No Holds Barred


"How are you?"

It is one of those innocuous little phrases that we utter every day, in polite conversation.

It must be my advancing age and perhaps a realization that I only have a limited number of breaths left in this tired old body, but for the past year or so this question has really been bugging me.

I am sure that 99 percent of the people who ask me this question really could not care less how I feel. Nor do they really expect or want an honest answer.

"I am very ill, funny you should ask!" is not what they want to hear.

"My doctor told me I have three months left, otherwise I feel quite well considering the 28 pills I have to take every hour," would leave them open mouthed and gasping for air.

Even a trip to the doctor will elicit a "How are you?"

I thought that was their job to tell me! If I knew I was fine, I wouldn't be wasting my time coming to see you, now would I?

The past year or so, I have quite consistently been answering the question with my own brand of rather warped humour.

"How are you?" the innocent and unwary ask.

"I am good thank you," I reply. "At least that is what I'm told."

Most are so confused that they have no quick reply, not sure what I really mean by this unexpected departure from decorum.

Please note that I said "good," and not "well or fine." That will give you some hint of the true meaning.

The truly quick-witted and attentive come back with things like; "I guess that depends on whom you ask."

I know then that the person has a good sense of humour and is interesting enough to get to know better.

About half the time, people do not even hear that I have departed from the usual scripted version of what passes for conversation these days.

I know then that they really didn't even bother to listen to my reply, and I could probably tell them my hamster mauled my pet iguana and both are now in hospital on life support and they would not even bat an eyelash.

"Oh that's nice, and isn't the weather just lovely/awful/cold/hot/beastly?" they would answer.

That is the other line that drives me to distraction. No matter what the weather is, we Canadians have to comment on it.

It is like the listener just beamed in from Cuba courtesy of the Enterprise, and has no idea what the sky is doing right now.

You walk into a local restaurant, with perspiration dripping from every orifice of your body, feeling like a partially wrung dishrag, your tongue hanging from your mouth as you eye the cold water jug.

It is then that some Einstein in the crowd calls you over and utters the words.

"Been pretty warm lately Joe, don't you think?" this brain surgeon asks.

No, I am just standing here dripping all over the floor looking like a Sudanese refugee from the Sahara because I just got in from a frosty day on the slopes!

Why ask me? Take a walk outside yourself and let me get to the water jug!

It would seem we all need these little phrases that make us feel cozy and safe, that simply saying hello or making a meaningful inquiry is just too bold and might lead to some fatal faux pas.

I watched two people circle each other the other night at my favorite coffeehouse, in this amusing little verbal dance.

"How are you?" He asks.

"Oh fine thanks, and how are you?" She replies.

Pause, while he stands waiting at the end of the table hoping to be invited to sit. She does not want to be the one to invite, so she pipes up.

"Pretty cold out tonight huh?" she asks.

"Yup, should be warming up by the weekend," he replies.

This last bit interested me, as I had no idea he was with Environment Canada, nor a meteorologist. I jotted down this important information as a possible source for quotes during the next Ice Storm.

By the time they finished this verbal tete-a-tete the bill for the young woman came and she rose to leave.

I was devastated. A lovely relationship destroyed by a wordy lack of communications.

Why not just walk up and say what you have to say.

"Hi there Nefertiti, I had hoped I might see you here, may I join you for a few minutes?" he could have asked.

Yes or no, plain and simple. Everyone knows what is being communicated and there is no room for misunderstandings.

I can see the fireworks already, and yes, I want an invitation!

So, the next time you find yourself reverting to those tired old standby cliches and questions, see if you can be a little more direct and to the point.

Say what is on your mind or simply wave a friendly hello.

You might be surprised how well things will go when you decide to really communicate instead of just talking. That acquaintance might prove to be a very interesting person and you might even make a new friend.

And next time you see me, remember asking after my health is strictly at your own risk! Just be prepared not to be offended by my answer.

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